Review: Twilight (Seriously!)

Posted: August 4, 2009 by in Books We Hate (1/5 single_star) Meta: Stephanie Meyer, Urban Fantasy, Young Adult

What’s this? Two reviews in one day? Well this one was a special request from some fans, and we were more than happy to oblige.

It’s time we shared the hate…

There are few things in life that we don’t understand. Why do people clip their finger and toe-nails in public? Why are Utah drivers incapable of using their turn signal? Why do people think Megan Fox can actually act? But mostly, we don’t understand ONE MAJOR THING:

When ON EARTH did sparkles on a VAMPIRE become cool? We just each threw up a little. Steve more than a little actually. It was gross. It was like an emetic taste test here.

Don’t get us wrong, we like vampires. E.E. Knight‘s VAMPIRE EARTH (Amazon) series rocks (for Nick especially), as well as the classic style of INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (Amazon) by Anne Rice. Steve goes for the Brian Lumley tales (Amazon), and the kind from the show Supernatural (Amazon) — a guilty pleasure. While we all give two-thumbs-up to the 30 Days of Night (Amazon) variety. Rob is of the same general opinion. See? We like vampires!

We just don’t know WHAT happened during the writing of TWILIGHT (Amazon). As Stephanie said in an interview on a talk-show (we want to say it was Ellen – she’s funny, we are allowed to watch her talk-show with our significant others. Let it go.), she woke up one morning with a completely original story about a girl who–wait for it–FALLS IN LOVE WITH A VAMPIRE! We know! No one has EVER done any variant of that story before.

We realize our warnings have come late, but we only pray to the literary gods that it won't go unheeded for those who are thinking of reading TWILIGHT.


The writing is, as we gamers say, terribad. The romance is heavy-handed and repetitive, with the characters repeating the most mundane asinine dialogue possible. We understand they are teenagers, but is this really how they think? If so, the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012 might not be so off-base…

Look, if you want to read romantic vampire stories, good for you. Go read Charlaine Harris‘ Sookie Stackhouse novels, or pick a book at random from the romance section of your local bookstore. Don’t bother with this drivel called TWILIGHT. There are no REAL vampires in it. It is a hoax. The writing is awful. There is no real plot. Cereal boxes have better characters. Real vampires would point and laugh at the lauded Edward. Bella, the heroine, can only be enjoyed while on heroin… barely. Reading how she wants to cuddle with a guy who is cold as a corpse, just once, was enough to ignore her for the rest of the book. This was very difficult as her annoying little quips and selfish whining pop up ad nauseam.

Now, it is only fair that we say a few positives. First, if we had as much dinero as Stephanie Meyer, we would be happy campers. We might feel guilty like we had swindled the world, but we would be rich. Secondly, Meyer is getting people to read. We can’t stress how important this is in this day and age. We may think, like Stephen King before us, that Meyer is untalented as a writer, but hey, the more people who read, the better books they can potentially get in to.

We realize our warnings have come late, but we only pray to the literary gods that it won’t go unheeded for those who are thinking of reading it.

  • Recommended Age: Resist the urge... EVERYONE is at a higher mental age than required by this novel. As are most animals. And rocks.
  • Language: Ugh. The terrible writing has clouded our brains and we cant remember.
  • Violence: If they were real vampires, we would have violence galore. But no: bait and switch.
  • Sex: Nope, and all the future sex-lives of all the Twilight fanatics are drying up with each subsequent read


  • Yeah, my girlfriend last year made me read this. I usually read a book this size in about three hours, but this took me weeks and weeks because it was just so awful.

    I did enjoy the movie– but not because it's a good movie. It was just a fun experience because we watched it with, like, a whole middle school worth of girls, who gasped and swooned and giggled every time the Sparkly Vampire Boy was on screen. It was almost like watching an old melodrama, except that the audience reactions were entirely unprompted and unironic. Very fun, and a little scary. (Again, I refer here to the experience, not the movie.)

    • -Slamel- says:

      Well that means the books themselves weren't funny, it is the degeneration in the culture of literature. Which I suppose one could laugh at, if only keep from crying.

  • Ethan says:

    I found the books quite funny actually, well, mostly just because of how bad the writing was and how many people think it's good.. heh

  • Anonymous says:

    May I politely point out that Sunshine, by Robin McKinley, is a much much better example of how to write a girl and vampire novel? Please read and review.

  • Anonymous says:

    Man this is hilarious. well said. i have to admit that i acutally liked the book when i first read it, and i still don't mind it, though i have never read it more than once. but i never fell in love with it and i don't understand how fangirls could to such a degree. because it's JUST A BOOK. it's not fantastic in the least, i'm just a sucker for any kind of romance. it's funny though, cuz i never really paid attention to how bad the writing is, but once it's pointed out by someone, i can't believe i missed it. XD. i'll have to read this Sunshine though, as mentioned by the above two. i hope it's good.

  • Anonymous says:

    When I heard that the vampire sparkled in the sun instead of bursting into flame was when I decided not to read it.

    Its not even so much that it didn't burst into flames, its that it fucking SPARKLED.

  • Anonymous says:

    Vampires sparking in the sun?!?!?!?!?!?

    Ugh, hell no. I agree with the above that in itself is reason enough not to read.

  • Linn says:

    hey don't hate twilight! It's for girls you twats -.-' It's a romantic love story! geez…

    • Sure, if you consider borderline pedophiles romantic. ๐Ÿ˜›

      The fact that the story is for girls isn't really the issue for us. We have nothing against stories marketed for the female of the species (as evidenced by our stunning array of reviews). No, it's more that the novel is poorly written, contrived, unoriginal, and blasphemous to vampire canon.

    • And Linn? We still love you even though you called us “twats.” Glad you liked Locke Lamora. (There's hope for you yet!)

  • Anonymous says:

    If Christopher Paolini and Stephanie Meyer wrote a book together it would just about be the funniest thing ever.

  • Dragen says:

    The horror!!! My 14 yer old daughter is going to the bookstore tomorrow to by “Twilight”
    She is a dyslectic and I have just got here reading over the summer, and now she is in want of books to read. If only Gail Carringer and Neil Gaiman had been translated to Norwegian I would have no problems, but alas, they are not.

    But I have come to the conclusion that reading “Twilight” is better then not reading at all… I think…

  • Nate says:

    I'm a big reader and read this whole horrible series for one reason my best friend ISN'T a reader but I thought if i read it and gave encouragement he might get into GOOD books that I've read and return the favor. The only saving grace I found in this endeavor was the superhero-esque vamp powers was new for me and semi entertaining. That doesn't make up for the teaching of young teenage girls that obsession is love though IMHO. Seriously anyone who believes this is a love story and not an unhealthy representation of what constitutes as intimate relations needs counseling! P.S. I too finally threw up on the second installment when the author decided to dedicate 2 or 3 pages to month names and nothing else if that isn't horrid writing I apparently have been mislead in what IS after years of reading experience.

  • crazysfffan says:

    However the book may be written, the marketing guys did an awesome job on this.
    Personally, I read the first book of the series when it was published and I am still scared of reading anything remotely related to vampires.

  • Kay Brady says:

    I have read the books and watched the films, and the books are totally different from the films….there both bad but if you gunner make a film then get one of them right. When people say vampires people think blood thirsty killers but all you get here is sappy romance and pathetic – ness! Failed badly for me

  • Jason, Lindy, and Alexis says:

    This review cracked me up! I haven't read this series, and if I did I wouldn't admit to it anyway, but I will admit that this series was read by my wife and I notice that I was quite lucky during the time she was reading these books…. so I'm good with Meyer ๐Ÿ˜‰

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