Review: Twilight (Seriously!)
It’s time we shared the hate…
There are few things in life that we don’t understand. Why do people clip their finger and toe-nails in public? Why are Utah drivers incapable of using their turn signal? Why do people think Megan Fox can actually act? But mostly, we don’t understand ONE MAJOR THING:
When ON EARTH did sparkles on a VAMPIRE become cool? We just each threw up a little. Steve more than a little actually. It was gross. It was like an emetic taste test here.
Don’t get us wrong, we like vampires. E.E. Knight‘s VAMPIRE EARTH series rocks (for Nick especially), as well as the classic style of INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE by Anne Rice. Steve goes for the Brian Lumley variant, and the kind from the show Supernatural (a guilty pleasure). While we all give two-thumbs-up to the 30 Days of Night variety. Rob is of the same general opinion. See? We like vampires!
We just don’t know WHAT happened during the writing of TWILIGHT. As Stephanie said in an interview on a talk-show (we want to say it was Ellen – she’s funny, we are allowed to watch her talk-show with our significant others. Let it go.), she woke up one morning with a completely original story about a girl who–wait for it–FALLS IN LOVE WITH A VAMPIRE! We know! No one has EVER done any variant of that story before.
The writing is, as we gamers say, terribad. The romance is heavy-handed and repetitive, with the characters repeating the most mundane asinine dialogue possible. We understand they are teenagers, but is this really how they think? If so, the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012 might not be so off-base…
Look, if you want to read romantic vampire stories, good for you. Go read Charlaine Harris‘ Sookie Stackhouse novels, or pick a book at random from the romance section of your local bookstore. Don’t bother with this drivel called TWILIGHT. There are no REAL vampires in it. It is a hoax. The writing is awful. There is no real plot. Cereal boxes have better characters. Real vampires would point and laugh at the lauded Edward. Bella, the heroine, can only be enjoyed while on heroin…barely. Reading how she wants to cuddle with a guy who is cold as a corpse, just once, was enough to ignore her for the rest of the book. This was very difficult as her annoying little quips and selfish whining pop up ad nauseam.
Now, it is only fair that we say a few positives. First, if we had as much dinero as Stephanie Meyer, we would be happy campers. We might feel guilty like we had swindled the world, but we would be rich. Secondly, Meyer is getting people to read. We can’t stress how important this is in this day and age. We may think, like Stephen King before us, that Meyer is untalented as a writer, but hey, the more people who read, the better books they can potentially get in to.
We realize our warnings have come late, but we only pray to the literary gods that it won’t go unheeded for those who are thinking of reading it. If you cannot overcome your complusion and must purchase the book, go here.
Recommended Age: Resist the urge…EVERYONE is at a higher mental age than required by this novel. As are most animals. And rocks.
Language: Ugh. The terrible writing has clouded our brains and we cant remember.
Violence: If they were real vampires, we would have violence galore. But no: bait and switch.
Sex: Nope, and all the future sex-lives of all the Twilight fanatics are drying up with each subsequent read.
Head on over to Stephanie’s site and offer her a little bit of your wisdom on teenagers and vampires, two subject she apparently needs to brush up on.